I haven't always felt like I could write everything going on in my life on here.. that's because I wasn't sure who was reading who wasn't.. mostly I wasn't sure if my brother was reading and I didn't want to upset him with my feelings...
My brother one of the best men I knew fought cancer like a beast! for a long time I thought maybe hell beat all the odds maybe he can pull it out! but sadly that didn't happen. :/ April 26th will never be the same for our family.. While I was in the hospital he was put on hospice. I got this news just shortly after going to the hospital and knew at that point I wasn't going to be home if anything happened since I knew I wasn't allowed to travel home like planned anymore..
my dad brought him to visit me for 2 days. at the time I knew it would be the last time I would see him. my nurses weren't sure how I didn't go into labor but I held tough I knew he couldn't see me upset.it was a really hard visit for me. when I saw him in October even though he had had brain surgery he was still up and moving and talking like himself but when I saw him this time no amount of prepping could help me. he had changed so much.. he wasn't able to walk the length of my room he needed more help and its like he didn't know what to say anymore. I of course didn't hold that against him but it was very hard to see him like that. he wasn't the brother I remembered. as he and my dad said goodbye and walked out I lost it. im thankful I had a nurse with me since matt was helping take their stuff out. I knew in that moment it was the last time id see my brother. theres no way to describe that feeling of pain and anxiety. from that day until last Saturday I sat on pins and needles. id call daily and check on him and at the end id call about every 2 hours. its hard to be stuck 20 hours away from family and not be with them during that time. I watched everyone else get to say their goodbyes and spend time and hold his hand and give him a hug a kiss while I could say I loved him through a computer.. it wasn't the same.. and everyone just tells me stay calm. im super emotional no way that was going to happen.. So this weekend I had distraction we were moving and that helped but now I have nothing to do but wait for babies and yesterday was his viewing.. while im glad I saw the pictures and video of him it made it very real that he wasn't coming back.. he looked like himself.. like he did before he got really sick.. today as im writing this im waiting on a Skype call so I can "be there" for the funeral. Rest In Peace Bobby ill love you always ill think of you daily and I miss you more than words can describe
Sorry about all of that needed to get it out.. as for the twins they are doing great! im 33 weeks today.. that's 10 weeks more than I was when I went to Austin for labor at 23.. I go to the doctor again tomorrow for a growth scan.. :D we thought last night was the night but it ended up my cervix hasn't changed just having crazy contractions and pressure.. they did the ffn test.. if its negative it means no babies in the next 2 weeks at like 99 percent sure.. but at positive it means 50/50 chance for babies in the next two weeks.. well mine was positive. lets hope these babies want out... :D
Matt will be leaving VERY soon.. its depressing.. my life has become a series of events that well im hoping I can face and come out stronger. <3
No comments:
Post a Comment