New year lets vent a little

As 2014 is coming to an end I just think about everything that happened this year. This is the one place I'm not going to be candid and hid what I really feel anymore. I may not mention names but it won't be hard to figure out.

At the beginning of the year life was so uncertain. We hadn't quite gotten the news that Bobby wouldn't make it but we all knew it was coming. I had to quit working and then bam bedrest. I want planning on that I had hoped to make it home to spend time with him before I had the twins. That didn't happen obviously but it was hard. A month of sitting in a room alone started the depression and the visit from Bobby knowing I wouldn't see him again. I just felt the weight of the world. I still do. Then I got to go home but still  couldn't travel. Stuck to a chair. We packed our house and put it in storage. I lost my Big brother :/ I am still struggling daily with guilt. I wasn't there enough on the last few years. I miss him I love him. But I can't get him back. Then Matt left for deployment. Pile on some more sadness. 6 days later our girls were born! The hands down best day of this year. My girls are my life. So we moved home. And I got to reconnect with my friend who I lost touch with and.boy am I glad! You are amazing I love you dearly! I got to see my brothers grave. I sat and ate ice cream with him. I just wish I could have visited more while I was home. I got put on meds for ppd because if nit I'm not sure id be functioning. I lost my best friend because she chose to no longer be apart of my life. I'm not sure why but let me tell you it fucking hurts. Its like having a piece of you ripped out. :( I sit here crying. I wish I could say it didn't bother me. But 13 years of being friends I can't say that. Will it change probably not I just need to learn to live with this. I also learned that when I moved back I have some of the best friends around me here. They help when we are up and they help when we are down. I wrecked the car and they were there! I celebrated a birthday. I did Christmas and New year's and while everyone called or texts it just makes you feel more alone. Im really hoping for a better 2015. I really need to get my head on straight. For my sanity and for my girls. For my husband who deserves the best possible wife I can be. So sorry for the venting. News years resolution. Kicking the soda habit for good. Losing the weight I've gained over the last 5 years so that when we hit our 6 year anniversary I'm healthier. And being a better mom and wife. I get a little lost in my own head. I just want to say thank you to Autumn and Lindsey and Casey and Nicole and Morgan and anyone I'm forgetting who makes a positive impact in my life. And for you if you decide to read this what did I do to you? Why am I the one you cut out? & for my loverface I love you. We're nearing the end of this deployment. Can't wait!

Starting again.

So I haven't written in awhile. I needed a break from most things in life. This year has been difficult to say the least. Since the babies have come I've moved to pa to be with family and been dealing with ppd. Depression is a finicky thing. Some days I feel great others not so much but since starting meds I'm doing better.

My best friend Autumn and I are starting a weight loss challenge for each other. Not really a challenge but more of a were going to support each other during the weight loss. :) I'm so thankful to have her in my life.

As for the babies they are doing well and have their 2 month check up on Monday.  Ill have to sit and write their birth story one of these days!!

a lot happens in 23 days!

Its been 23 days since I last posted here. A lot happens in that time...

I haven't always felt like I could write everything going on in my life on here.. that's because I wasn't sure who was reading who wasn't.. mostly I wasn't sure if my brother was reading and I didn't want to upset him with my feelings...

My brother one of the best men I knew fought cancer like a beast! for a long time I thought maybe hell beat all the odds maybe he can pull it out! but sadly that didn't happen. :/ April 26th will never be the same for our family.. While I was in the hospital he was put on hospice. I got this news just shortly after going to the hospital and knew at that point I wasn't going to be home if anything happened since I knew I wasn't allowed to travel home like planned anymore..

my dad brought him to visit me for 2 days. at the time I knew it would be the last time I would see him. my nurses weren't sure how I didn't go into labor but I held tough I knew he couldn't see me upset.it was a really hard visit for me. when I saw him in October even though he had had brain surgery he was still up and moving and talking like himself but when I saw him this time no amount of prepping could help me. he had changed so much.. he wasn't able to walk the length of my room he needed more help and its like he didn't know what to say anymore. I of course didn't hold that against him but it was very hard to see him like that. he wasn't the brother I remembered. as he and my dad said goodbye and walked out I lost it. im thankful I had a nurse with me since matt was helping take their stuff out. I knew in that moment it was the last time id see my brother. theres no way to describe that feeling of pain and anxiety. from that day until last Saturday I sat on pins and needles. id call daily and check on him and at the end id call about every 2 hours. its hard to be stuck 20 hours away from family and not be with them during that time. I watched everyone else get to say their goodbyes and spend time and hold his hand and give him a hug a kiss while I could say I loved him through a computer.. it wasn't the same.. and everyone just tells me stay calm. im super emotional no way that was going to happen.. So this weekend I had distraction we were moving and that helped but now I have nothing to do but wait for babies and yesterday was his viewing.. while im glad I saw the pictures and video of him it made it very real that he wasn't coming back.. he looked like himself.. like he did before he got really sick.. today as im writing this im waiting on a Skype call so I can "be there" for the funeral. Rest In Peace Bobby ill love you always ill think of you daily and I miss you more than words can describe

Sorry about all of that needed to get it out.. as for the twins they are doing great! im 33 weeks today.. that's 10 weeks more than I was when I went to Austin for labor at 23.. I go to the doctor again tomorrow for a growth scan.. :D we thought last night was the night but it ended up my cervix hasn't changed just having crazy contractions and pressure.. they did the ffn test.. if its negative it means no babies in the next 2 weeks at like 99 percent sure.. but at positive it means 50/50 chance for babies in the next two weeks.. well mine was positive. lets hope these babies want out... :D

Matt will be leaving VERY soon.. its depressing.. my life has become a series of events that well im hoping I can face and come out stronger. <3

sooo its been awhile..

So its been about 2 weeks since I wrote here..

Sorry for the wait.. lets see what has happened since then. I came home and have been on "bedrest" more like the first week I was then I got adventurous ;) we went and bought preemie clothing since we didn't have any and got matt some clothing since he hasn't bought clothes in a VERY LONG time.
We went to reds for the first time it was yummo! and then he took me to a movie!!! I had a girls night with casey and her sister at her house while matt and his friends had guys night.. ive had visits from jasmine and her family and lindsey and lizzy and for the most part ive stayed fairly couch/bed bound.. then last week we went to the doctor...

We have two growing girls! both are over 3 pounds and doing well. abby is breech again!!!! lol. I go again next week.. I believe at that point im going to ask the doctor to keep the pessary out since its becoming uncomfortable. he said since its still an experimental treatment they have no way to know for sure if that is what is really keeping me from labor. ill be 30 weeks on Wednesday!!!! that's a huge accomplishment from where we were 7 weeks ago! the doc said whatever I was doing was working.. so lets just say I haven't stayed in bed quite as much.. ;)

We will be going to the rental agency this week and giving notice on our place since matt will be leaving shortly for deployment.. hoping to stay at a friends until the babies are born and able to travel. at which point well be heading to families house and be able to save money and ill have help.

hoping these girls start going a little easier on me.. ive been sore as all get out and tired but since im so sore I cant sleep. its a fun time ;)

until the next time ;)

i got to go home

So Thursday lindsey came to visit had the ultrasounds and everything was looking good... my cervix is still the same and the babies are doing well. Madelyn was 2 pounds 9 oz.. Abigail was 2 pounds 4 oz and was no longer breech :) the doctor consulted with my doctor at the hospital and said if darnell agreed then I got to transfer back... my doctor old me Thursday that we should have an answer Friday morning..

Friday morning I got a phone call from my specialist at darnell who said I hear you are still pregnant I said yes I am. He said well that's a miracle. He said that I could go home on strict bedrest and would be seeing him on the 3rd of April and that if I needed anything before then I should come to labor and delivery.. he said that ill be seeing him every one to two weeks until I deliver.. I cried. I was so happy

So matt came and got me all packed up since I had a bunch of stuff at the hospital lol.. then we were on our way. So glad I had Mollie as my nurse that day I will really miss her..

The ride was long but that's mostly because I hadn't sat up for that long in a long time. So we got home and I relaxed while matt got everything unpacked and then we needed to get diapers and he had to sign back in from leave.. so I went along.. first he signed in I sat in the car.. then we went to Walmart.. he returned some things while I took the motorized wheelchair to get some diapers for Amelia.. then we decided to stop by Carolina ale house for dinner since I was feeling okay and such.. we were only there a short time but boy was it delishhhhhhhhh.... then we headed home..

Saturday matt had some friends over and we cooked out.. I sat on the couch lol. But the food and company was great.. :)

And yesterday we just relaxed all day.. family nap time all around.. lol..

Today matt went back to work.. I was quite worried about how it would go.. Amelia hasn't been listening to me but today she has done fairly well. We had lindsey and Lizzy over this morning. The girls got to play and we got to sit and talk.. and then Amelia let me take a cat nap while she played on her nabi.. currently shes napping and I'm just relaxing..

27 weeks wahoo!!!

so yesterday I just hung out. I swear I could have eaten a horse yesterday! I ate and ate and ate.. seriously couldn't stop eating. lol
and then I found a fun app kinda like Farmville but its now Farmville lol.. and then I went to bed. was uneventful but good

Today is 27 weeks!!!!!!  We are at the point where the babies have a very good survival rate! and matt and Amelia got up early and came to visit for the day! we had a family nap lol not all in the same bed but same room and Amelia snuggled me it was so nice! then we went outside and enjoyed the sunlight and then I got a baked potato from the potato bar ;) it was yum. I think anytime that they have that as an option and im down there that will be what I get..

Tomorrow I have Lindsey coming to visit and then an ultrasound at some point and the weekly pessary care. hoping for good news.. and then more talks with the doctor about going back to darnell.. she said she is on board as long as they can agree to certain things.. if not I will be asking the hard ? of when do I get to leave.. and can I get a different room so im not staring at the same 4 walls for much longer.. tomorrow is a month since I came here.

I think the thing I struggling with currently is that I know matt is leaving in a few weeks for deployment.. and here I am we aren't getting any time together as a family besides the days they visit but of course its not the same.. and what the hell are we going to do if he has to leave and I haven't had the girls and am still in the hospital or on bedrest.. we still need to pack the house up I need to pack a bag.. and holy smokes it kills. just so much to deal with. so fingers crossed and prayers please that we get what we really need and I go back to darnell or best case scenario home on strict bedrest.. <3

almost to 27 weeks..

So lets see Saturday Matthew and Amelia came to visit me. we had pluckers for dinner and hung out for a few hours. Was great as always to see them.

Yesterday I woke up and had breakfast finished Allegiant and then caught up on some shows.. I will totally say the divergent series is a great read. I was skeptical it took a bit to get into but then it ended up being great! then Erin and her husband nick who I haven't seen for 2 years came to visit because they were in Austin. They are moving to Dallas so they have to go house hunting and they were visiting and family. :D So glad they came to visit! of course they came bearing gifts of sweet and sour gummies and magazines and water flavoring :D we also went downstairs and had dinner. was nice to visit with them and catch up and get out of my room..

Today im up and have showered and spoken with my doctor. now just waiting on hubs and Amelia to visit :D I think hes bringing lunch ;) cannot wait!

Holy Packages Batman..

Well as you can see ive gotten a bunch of stuff the last few days! lol.
I just want to thank everyone who has sent me anything.. words of encouragement a package a card or flowers.. you all really have brightened up being here!

So lets see yesterday I saw my nurse then saw the volunteer who brought a box then saw my doctor then my social worker and then had a visitor thanks to Doris all within a few hours of being awake.. lol then I was weighed.. ive gained 10 pounds this pregnancy 8 of which ive gained in the last two weeks.. no one is concerned since well im tiny for twins. lol.

That's me at 26 weeks..
Ive finished reading Insurgent and started Allegiant...
My nurse who took me outside a few days ago dropped  by for a visit since she hasn't had me since then. She even facebooked me lol. :D
Today is rainy and drab outside the window.. but I get to see my loves around lunchtime.. im off to read until my breakfast comes!

more news to report!

So today was a very good day! Woke up had a shower and breakfast and then read a bit before the doctor came to visit. She removed and cleaned my pessary and then put it back and checked my cervix. she said she thinks im still about 1cm so no real change!!! :D seriously good news! today marks 3 weeks in the hospital! matt and Amelia came to visit and stayed about 6 hours! :D we hung out and then went outside to sit for a bit in the "park".. Amelia got to run around which she loved and we got to laugh at the silly ways she does things. was nice to feel the air and the sun and just take it all in. then matt got me a little cup of cheese and pepperoni since ive been craving cheese and crackers :D yum! lol! and he brought the stuff that my mom sent! girl scout cookies a bag of pull and peel twizzlers chocolate covered animal crackers and a large hersheys bar!!! :D and I got a package from one of my besties Autumn.. she sent this adorable box that had Swedish fish peach rings licorice and sour gummy worms.. ps it was from www.gourmetgiftbaskets.com... seriously an awesome gift I have tons of chocolate and not a bunch of fruity! :D and I like to share the links if its ordered from somewhere because some of these I had never heard of :D

After matt and Amelia left I watched American idol team Alex and Malaya and Mk :D but was still sad to see the person go because it was one that I liked...  And now im off to drink some fluids since I didn't drink a ton today like yesterday to munch on my cheese and crackers and read Insurgent im about 43 percent in.. may stay awake to read it all.. I have to be weighed tomorrow... ahhhh my least favorite part even though I know its important to gain! ;)

night all

busy weekend

Sorry its been a few days.. Matthew and Amelia came the other day for a short visit and we had a late lunch before they headed home to be there when his mom and grandmother got there. Then they came down the next afternoon and we ordered food in and went downstairs to eat... was nice to see his family. :) then he came down the next day alone and stayed the afternoon and night with me. Was nice to have time just us. Then he went home to spend the day with his family. They left last night/this morning  to head back home and matt and Amelia stayed home and cleaned\relaxed today.. tomorrow they are going to come visit.

In the past few days I have received flowers and read Divergent and started Insurgent... Ive caught up on all my shows and watched 2 seasons of 2 broke girls.. I've also been having a lot more pain\soreness.. not sure if its all the babies kicking and moving combined with being in bed for 3weeks as of tomorrow or if my body is getting ready for labor... we've made it to 26 weeks as of today. Tomorrow they will take the pessary out like they do weekly and clean and put back as well as check my cervix for changes.. not sure how much longer ill be pregnant but I know that everyday helps them. Next week they will ultrasound the babies to check their growth as well as checking my cervix length which I assume will be non existent since last week it was 2mm.. heres to good news! Will update more soon.

every new day

Every new day I wake up im thankful. Thankful that im breathing that im healthy that I get to live another day surrounded by people who love me even if they aren't right here near me. Im thankful that I can complain about life but still know how to be appreciative. im thankful im still pregnant and haven't delivered our two babies yet. So take a minute and look at all the positives in your life don't let the negative hold you back. move on past them and face the world with a smile. it will surely change your day!

I smelled fresh air!

Yesterday was a fantastic day! I woke up crabby bc they came at 6:30 for my meds then 7 for blood work and 7:30 for vitals and baby heart rates.. so I ordered breakfast and tried to nap and then dad called and mom called so I just said ill just stay awake! around 11:30 my nurse came in and said I wanted to ask if you wanted to go downstairs and have lunch with me. She said normally I wouldn't ask but since I know your husband only comes on the weekends and you just got wheelchair privileges... I of course said heck yes!!! so into a chair I went and down we went. I had tilapia and rice since I cant get that on a normal basis.. and a Fanta.. bubbly and caffeine free :D we sat in the little park! it was slightly windy but warm enough to not wear a coat and the sun was shining. I said no to dessert since I still had strawberries in my room. then I came back upstairs and just kind of hung out and relaxed. I started my 1500 piece puzzle and then ordered dinner.. found a second thing on the menu I don't like.. their mac and cheese.. its like homemade but its gritty.. :/ ew! lol ill stick with the garlic mashed potatoes :D


Today I woke up late and had breakfast.. then I showered and now im just waiting on Matt and Amelia to visit.. I think the thing that gets me here is that slowly the stuff going on in my life gets to my doctors and when they mention it and I elaborate about everything going on outside of this hospital room they are amazed at how im not depressed and going crazy. I said I cant change anything that's happening outside of here. I can only hope things will get better and take the good with the bad and smile. I do cry I do break down but then I pick myself up and move on. sometimes a snickers helps or just a card or a visit and other days I just want my husband or to hear his voice and im better. but ive learned to deal with things and I choose the way that's positive. Everything happens for a reason. I don't know that reason nor will I ever but what I do know is if I face it instead of hiding from it it has to get better.

25 weeks and a whole lot of stuff going on...

So Monday my brother and dad came to see me and then a little later Matt and Amelia came as well.
We had Chinese for dinner and just hung out.. Dad brought me some pj pants/leggings a coloring book and crayons to pass the time some highlighters and a word search book and some hair ties.. Matt and Amelia stayed the night and then got up at 6 and drove home for matt to get back to work..

Tuesday Bobby and dad came back and hung out again. he brought snacks and a puzzle this time and then we had pizza a little later did some coloring <3 and then matt and Amelia came back to visit a bit to before we said goodbye. We had a good time. was emotional and all over the place but good..
Matt and Amelia stayed with me til I went to bed since I was emotional to make sure I was okay before they headed home for bed (they left pretty late but It was nice to have matts support)

So because those days I was up and moving and everything I decided to stay strictly in bed yesterday besides the bathroom and a shower. I wasn't really up to doing much just felt blah. then Morgan and Lindsey came to visit me and have dinner with me. we just opted for hospital food which might I add is pretty delish but ive had everything on the menu multiple times and am rather bored with it ;)

Today I woke up to a facebook message from kelly saying hey you should get a little surprise today! And sure enough I did! Chocolate covered strawberries which are delish! (totally recommend sharis berries... www.berries.com ) And I got two cards in the mail today as well! always cool getting mail something to brighten the day! especially when you aren't expecting it!.

This morning they were checking the babies heart rates and abby was laying on her cord making her hr drop but after moving around she got off of it! and then I saw two doctors today! the one is the specialist.. she did an ultrasound to check my cervix and then cleaned and re did the pessary.. good and bad news.. cervix is still only 1 cm dialated but instead of 1.3cm in length like 2 weeks ago its now 2mm in length! very short! and then my normal doctor is back from vacation so she came to talk to me.. said in 2 weeks she will consider sending me back to our hospital instead of here but they have to make sure the other hospital will take me back and all of that so its up in the air.. also im allowed to have wheelchair rides when I have someone to push me :D I will see the outside of these 4 walls soon! It makes me nervous! last time I went for a ride was the day I went into labor..

I feel like my body is failing me. Like why could I carry Amelia no problem and so forth to term no dilation til the day I delivered but now I can barely keep these two little ones in.. I feel like one wrong movement or one wrong kick from them and my water will break since its right at the opening of my cervix. its hard to feel like nothing you are doing is working.. or I question myself like had I quit working sooner would it have changed something.. had I gained more weight would it have helped.. I know they say it was nothing I did but I surely feel like its my fault..

Theres so much I cant put into words here that is on my mind but that will have to wait for now. thanks for reading if you are still reading this! it really helps me get it all out

lots going on..

yesterday was a hectic, crazy, emotional day..

woke up and their flight said cancelled so I called and then my brothers friend said oh its not cancelled so they get there and just find out they weren't on the flight so the airline got them another flight but from a different airport so they hopped in the car and got on their way.. I was on the phone with Alamo/expedia about the car for well over 2 hours yesterday.. talked to dad before they boarded.. plane was supposed to leave at 630 left at 710.. they finally got to dallas at 930 and had to get to Alamo by 11... so I got a text saying they got a car at 1050 I was finally relieved for the first time... normally its a 3 hour drive from dallas to Austin but it took them 5ish because of the weather being bad/icey..


Matt and Amelia and I skyped a bunch yesterday.. they were going to come down but their nap ran a little long ;) and so it would have been too late plus the weather wasn't good. they are hopefully coming this evening so they can see my dad and brother as well.

I was super emotional yesterday cried everytime my nurse said how are you doing today do you need anything.. matt was kinda cranky on the phone I cried... I just have been holding it all together for so long that I finally let it all out yesterday. and my nurse said how about I give you an ambien ( safe for babies and I can take it daily but I normally don't ) and I said yes please so I knew I would relax and get a good nights sleep! so about 1130 I took that told everyone goodnight and passed out. woke up at 130 to go to the bathroom and back t sleep til about 540ish this morning. then I spoke with matt and asked for my protonix meds since normally I get that at 630 and back to sleep til 830 :D it was nice to just sleep. I was hoping id be a little less emotional today but its not looking like that's the case..

haven't really cried but im on the verge of tears. :/ im so excited to see my brother and my dad and Amelia and matt so im not quite sure why I feel so emotional but ill just blame it on hormones today ;)

oh its the weekend...yup nothing new

Had a great and awful day yesterday... lemme explain
Matt came to see me and we spent the day evening night together just hanging out and we ordered food in. Was nice to not eat hospital food for a day even if the hospital food is good... 😃
 also yester for the awful part was hearing news about my brother since he went to the doctor.. not really going to explain but then I got to Skype with family that I don't normally see and then my dad called and said he and my brother were going to come visit me on Sunday! That's a huge deal.. I'm from pa and stuck in a hospital in Texas... we live here because my husband is stationed here.. so tomorrow evening they will land in Texas just down the road from me 😃 
Today I woke up with matt in the same room which is nice since its been a week since that happened and then he stayed a bit before going home and getting ready for the rodeo :) he won tickets before I landed here lol.. tomorrow him and Amelia will come visit for a bit as well!!

back to the weekend

So yesterday was good and bad..

I wasn't feeling so hot so I told the nurse since they are always asking if im nauseated and what not then it was the normal any contractions cramping and such all those were no!!! so she let me rest for a bit then offered a sprite which I took.. in the meantime she called the doctor and got Zofran and tada I felt so much better! was so nice. Ordered a small lunch sandwich and salad and jello and just watched shows on tv and relaxed. then hubby and Amelia came!!! They were planning to stay all night but Amelia had a different plan of being super loud and crying like we were killing her and such so we decided it was best if they didn't stay.. it really sucked but at the same time I know it was for the best.     it was much less stressful... I did cry for a few minutes it was kind of awful feeling you know?! so my nurse had come to check on me and saw I was upset... I explained and she said is there anything I can get you? I just asked for water and she said how about pudding :D so I said yes.. and then she called and said she had ice cream!!!! so she brought me 2! It was so sweet!

(slightly tmi) I was soooo excited to have a razor to shave my under arms last night and my legs!!! seriously!!! and I have clothes now instead of a gown.

And I got a super sweet gift from The Hellers. (we met them while living in Germany while matt was deployed) Lots of things to keep busy puzzle books and a book and shea infused socks and lotions and a card! <3

Today has gone well so far and will continue to do so I hope!
Apparently Friday is weigh day! I Could have sworn to you that I gained weight.. when I last was weighed at the doctor I weighed 183. today 182.6. seriously how does that happen I feel like all I do is eat here! so I ordered a donut with breakfast this morning ;) and hubby is going to come back without Amelia so that he can spend some time with me and get a little break from her (he does get a break during the day at work but work isn't really a break) this way he can visit and talk to me which he hasn't gotten to really do all week!

and a friend is supposed to visit today as well! we shall see where this day takes us!

7 days today...

One week down today.. if I hadn't had that appointment last Thursday to check on their growth I may have delivered them early so im so thankful for that appointment even if it sent me here ;)

Yesterday was a GREAT day! Lindsey came to see me! We had a really good 3 hour visit and was nice to have someone other than nurses to talk to ;). She brought me some snacks and she also brought a present for me from her friend Shawna (who ive never met) .. really it was the sweetest! she also brought me a card from the pwoc class and I received a letter in the mail at the hospital thanks to family members :)

I also really got to talk to matt about some important stuff in our life like go or stay during the deployment new house now or new house later that sorta stuff.. obviously none of those can really be answered because we don't know when our sweet little daughters will arrive but we have ideas and that makes it a little better..

we also got to Skype last night and then Amelia went to bed for him at a semi normal time <3 love it!!!!! it made it easier for me to relax knowing he would be able to get some sleep. while of course it sucks here because well im not with family and I have to stay in bed but my only real worry has to be these babies.. while my husband has to work and take care of our crazy child and worry about me and the girls and try to keep it all together and make everything happen.. <3 So I really appreciate all the little things he does! Just love that man like no other <3

on the agenda for today.. find a new book to start.. hopefully catch up on shows.. and then seeing my loves tonight <3 and of course ill be able to get out of this crazy gown and into clothes! ill feel a little more like me!!!

Jumping for joy in my mind ;)

I'm 24 weeks im 24 weeks im 24 weeks!!!!

Sorry just had to put that out there! Its a huge milestone for the girls!! They are now considered viable and have a better chance of making it based on the fact their lung are a little more mature as well as their other organs :D ***happy dance*** well not literally because im still in bed ;)

Today Lindsey is going to visit :) so after my breakfast comes im going to shower and that way I will look human again ;)

yesterday went well. no contractions. I read 85 percent of a book which ill finish today and then I took a nap and relaxed and spoke to hubs and baby girl and then I tried to sleep but hey that didn't work great... everytime I got comfy the babies would move or my hip would go to sleep.

excited for Thursday :D get to see Amelia and Matt and hes going to bring much needed stuff for me :D clothes and such since I don't have to be in this silly gown..

watched the bachelor last night. thinking jaun Pablo is an idiot and well I hope neither of the girls say yes ;) but hey that's just me. cant wait for the tell all.. Tonight is American idol cannot wait!!!!

Almost to 24

So I woke up with a headache that I had taken meds for last night.. so my nurse brought a Tylenol and some coke :D lol. and then I had breakfast and its fairly gone just a slight ache now.

Thoughts for the day so far..
* when the babies come and Matt deploys do I stay here or go home like we originally planned?!
*If I can get through today with no complications well be at 24 weeks tomorrow <3

So ive read some this morning and I have thought about a shower but haven't really done anything since my shower yesterday so for now that's a no. I plan to ask the nurse if matt brings me some leggings/sweats and tanks if I can wear that instead of this gown lol...

Madelyn and Abigail are super active today and they were the same last evening..

seeing commercials for chocolate covered strawberries and delicious seafood yeah that doesn't help cravings.. nor did the ribs on the Bachelor last night.. hello preggo cant get those in here!! ;)

trying to think of things I can do in bed and use my time up wisely :D

should be starting some physical therapy today or tomorrow as well.. just some small exercises to help keep me from getting too weak while in bed..

okie dokie im done rambling for now but check back later im sure there will be more :D

end of the day unwind...

Today was a good day.. woke up late had breakfast and a shower then took a short nap.. skyped with my brother who sent me about 60 Skype pics of myself... lol. Then did a little reading (currently reading 'maybe one day' ) and talked with hubby and Amelia after they got home. Had some dinner and then skyped with mom..

Also had two surprises today.. a friend Madison sent me an amazon gift card to buy a book and my brother sister sister in law mother and step dad sent flowers 😊

The hardest part of everyday right now is Amelia crying when we get off Skype and knowing she isn't going to bed so well for her daddy.. 😢 but hoping she'll get used to this arrangement for now.. counting the days til I see them 😊

A new day

So Last night was uneventful thankfully!

Nurse gave me meds at 6:30am and I went back to sleep. Managed to sleep until almost 9!!!
I knew at that point I should probably be up and eating/drinking since they think that may have had something do to with the other day.. So I ordered breakfast and then my nurse for this shift came in checked my vitals and the babies heart rates and then I ate :D

Now I've showered and am back to my much more comfy bed since she added an egg crate to make it more comfortable since ill be here for awhile..

Was kind of nervous to shower today just because the day I went over to labor and delivery I had showered and then Amelia Matt and I went for lunch downstairs (I rode in a wheelchair) and then when I came back I tried to nap and it started so I was a little nervous.. So far so good. oh and yeah until ive been here a little longer no wheelchair rides for me. bathroom/chair/bed/window seat... those are my options..

My nurse today is Mollie.. She kind of reminds me of my mom. Same hair cut and build and a bubbly smiley personality.. :D I haven't had the same nurse two times yet..

Today I think ill try to read a bit and make a list of the things I need hubby to pack for a friend to bring or for him to bring when he comes.. oh and you know relax and sleep and Skype lol.

I'm sure more rambling will come to mind later ;)

All the thoughts in my head...

Well as I spent most of today by myself which I knew was coming and will be like that most days I learned all kinds of new things about my new laptop/pad that hubby and baby girl bought me. I skyped with some family talked on the phone and well slept ;)..


After a phone call with hubby I felt like dang I wish I had just known this was coming.. obviously there was no way I cant blame myself and that such but still you know I wish I had stocked the house with easy food and stuff for Amelia and had everything cleaned all the stuff picked up put away and all of that ;).. I was lazy for the last two weeks until the day of my doctors appointment. I had a little free time thanks to lindsey taking her early for me and got all but dishes done and laundry put away.. but as with everything I cant change it have to let it go.


We were/are prepping for a deployment and had planned on traveling to Pennsylvania in 2ish weeks so I wasn't keeping stock of food just buying what we needed here and there.. and then I had made some plans with family to help obviously when I got there so I feel bad about that too but again cant change it just thanking god I wasn't already driving when I went into preterm labor yesterday and im thanking god for another day of my "crumb snatchers" in womb as my mom likes to call them now.. (long story having to do with my grandpa saying that to her while preggo with me)..


So with that I think ill try and relax and find something on tv to watch til they come do my vitals check and monitor the babies.. then sleepytime!


Having to Skype goodnight with your family sucks but ill take it it could be nothing!

23 weeks and 4 days..

 My name is Amanda and I'm currently 23 weeks and 4 days pregnant with fraternal twin girls.. This past week I went to the doctor to have my growth scan done to make sure babies were growing together and that they were healthy before my next doctors appointment. Well that didn't end so well.
As we sat there I could tell that they were measuring my cervix with the ultrasound and the tech asked if I had been having any contractions or pains.. Then the doctor came in and he said well were going to do an internal ultrasound and an exam and some tests and well figure out where to go from there.

So after the internal ultrasound and such he sat us down and told us that my cervix was opening from the inside or funneling. and that they were going to transfer me to a different hospital in Austin an hour from our house. In case of delivery this hospital has a wonderful nicu who have dealt babies with this small.. Thankfully we have great friends who kept our daughter and Matt ran home to get all her stuff and take care of the dog and such and then headed to the hospital while I rode in the ambulance.. I got to the hospital in Austin around 7 that night and Matt wasn't far behind.. they started me on magnesium and put a catheter in and these boots on my legs to make sure I didn't get a blood clot. all very scary at the time but we were told my cervix from the outside was closed.

The next morning we saw a maternal fetal medicine doctor and she confirmed my cervix was funneling but still closed from the outside so they said bed rest in hospital until at least 27 weeks at which point our hospital near home could care for the babies if they came. so they moved me over to postpartum and put a pessary in to help support my cervix. All went well that day Matt and Amelia came down that evening and spent the night here with me.

Saturday morning Amelia and Matt stayed for lunch and then were going to go home and then come  back Sunday morning since we wont get to see a lot of each other throughout the week because of his work schedule and the travel time to the hospital. Well that plan didn't happen. After about 2 hours of him being gone I started having some cramping and back pain. I called the nurse and she called Labor and delivery and they came to monitor me. I wasn't showing contractions on the monitor but when she checked me she said I had dilated to have my husband come back and that I was being moved to labor and delivery again.

I was wheeled over put in a bed they started mag and an antibiotic and such in case I did deliver.. they continued to monitor and I was showing contractions . Matt and our friend Morgan came in and they continued to monitor and then nicu came to talk to us. Its one of the hardest parts of this I think. Hearing that if I would deliver at this point the babies would only have a 10-15 percent chance at life but that if I could keep them in a few more days it would double and double again in another week. I had read all of this but of course having a doctor saying it makes it much worse.

So later they had the doctor come check me she said I hadn't made any change :D and that I was allowed to eat and they would disconnect the ivs except fluid and let me rest. I got an entire nights sleep thanks to Ambien and woke up feeling great. We were asked if I deliver do we want them to try everything in their power to save our babies of course we said yes. how could we not. these two little angels have been behaving today and I'm just resting! <3

Ill be keeping this blog as kind of a journal a way to vent if you will at least for now and so that all the gory details aren't on facebook.. you are more than welcome to share and please say a prayer <3 every day I can keep them in helps them tremendously!

oh and sorry I'm awful at the whole writing thing so just remember this is like my mind on paper a mile a minute..