As 2014 is coming to an end I just think about everything that happened this year. This is the one place I'm not going to be candid and hid what I really feel anymore. I may not mention names but it won't be hard to figure out.
At the beginning of the year life was so uncertain. We hadn't quite gotten the news that Bobby wouldn't make it but we all knew it was coming. I had to quit working and then bam bedrest. I want planning on that I had hoped to make it home to spend time with him before I had the twins. That didn't happen obviously but it was hard. A month of sitting in a room alone started the depression and the visit from Bobby knowing I wouldn't see him again. I just felt the weight of the world. I still do. Then I got to go home but still couldn't travel. Stuck to a chair. We packed our house and put it in storage. I lost my Big brother :/ I am still struggling daily with guilt. I wasn't there enough on the last few years. I miss him I love him. But I can't get him back. Then Matt left for deployment. Pile on some more sadness. 6 days later our girls were born! The hands down best day of this year. My girls are my life. So we moved home. And I got to reconnect with my friend who I lost touch with and.boy am I glad! You are amazing I love you dearly! I got to see my brothers grave. I sat and ate ice cream with him. I just wish I could have visited more while I was home. I got put on meds for ppd because if nit I'm not sure id be functioning. I lost my best friend because she chose to no longer be apart of my life. I'm not sure why but let me tell you it fucking hurts. Its like having a piece of you ripped out. :( I sit here crying. I wish I could say it didn't bother me. But 13 years of being friends I can't say that. Will it change probably not I just need to learn to live with this. I also learned that when I moved back I have some of the best friends around me here. They help when we are up and they help when we are down. I wrecked the car and they were there! I celebrated a birthday. I did Christmas and New year's and while everyone called or texts it just makes you feel more alone. Im really hoping for a better 2015. I really need to get my head on straight. For my sanity and for my girls. For my husband who deserves the best possible wife I can be. So sorry for the venting. News years resolution. Kicking the soda habit for good. Losing the weight I've gained over the last 5 years so that when we hit our 6 year anniversary I'm healthier. And being a better mom and wife. I get a little lost in my own head. I just want to say thank you to Autumn and Lindsey and Casey and Nicole and Morgan and anyone I'm forgetting who makes a positive impact in my life. And for you if you decide to read this what did I do to you? Why am I the one you cut out? & for my loverface I love you. We're nearing the end of this deployment. Can't wait!
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