Oh you know daily ramblings

We are almost two weeks into the new year! Time is flying!

I was thinking of changing the name of my blog and when I figure it how I will lol.

We have been battling the flu since the first and hoping we are finally over it!

We are trying a new recipe today. Chicken stroganoff in the crockpot! Smells yummy!

We are getting close to Matt coming home. I cannot control my excitement :) next month!!!!! Working on my fitness.. 13 more pounds to lose before he comes home is my goal.. and then hopefully another 20 after! Ugh seems like alot right now but I know I'll be healthier!

New year lets vent a little

As 2014 is coming to an end I just think about everything that happened this year. This is the one place I'm not going to be candid and hid what I really feel anymore. I may not mention names but it won't be hard to figure out.

At the beginning of the year life was so uncertain. We hadn't quite gotten the news that Bobby wouldn't make it but we all knew it was coming. I had to quit working and then bam bedrest. I want planning on that I had hoped to make it home to spend time with him before I had the twins. That didn't happen obviously but it was hard. A month of sitting in a room alone started the depression and the visit from Bobby knowing I wouldn't see him again. I just felt the weight of the world. I still do. Then I got to go home but still  couldn't travel. Stuck to a chair. We packed our house and put it in storage. I lost my Big brother :/ I am still struggling daily with guilt. I wasn't there enough on the last few years. I miss him I love him. But I can't get him back. Then Matt left for deployment. Pile on some more sadness. 6 days later our girls were born! The hands down best day of this year. My girls are my life. So we moved home. And I got to reconnect with my friend who I lost touch with and.boy am I glad! You are amazing I love you dearly! I got to see my brothers grave. I sat and ate ice cream with him. I just wish I could have visited more while I was home. I got put on meds for ppd because if nit I'm not sure id be functioning. I lost my best friend because she chose to no longer be apart of my life. I'm not sure why but let me tell you it fucking hurts. Its like having a piece of you ripped out. :( I sit here crying. I wish I could say it didn't bother me. But 13 years of being friends I can't say that. Will it change probably not I just need to learn to live with this. I also learned that when I moved back I have some of the best friends around me here. They help when we are up and they help when we are down. I wrecked the car and they were there! I celebrated a birthday. I did Christmas and New year's and while everyone called or texts it just makes you feel more alone. Im really hoping for a better 2015. I really need to get my head on straight. For my sanity and for my girls. For my husband who deserves the best possible wife I can be. So sorry for the venting. News years resolution. Kicking the soda habit for good. Losing the weight I've gained over the last 5 years so that when we hit our 6 year anniversary I'm healthier. And being a better mom and wife. I get a little lost in my own head. I just want to say thank you to Autumn and Lindsey and Casey and Nicole and Morgan and anyone I'm forgetting who makes a positive impact in my life. And for you if you decide to read this what did I do to you? Why am I the one you cut out? & for my loverface I love you. We're nearing the end of this deployment. Can't wait!

Starting again.

So I haven't written in awhile. I needed a break from most things in life. This year has been difficult to say the least. Since the babies have come I've moved to pa to be with family and been dealing with ppd. Depression is a finicky thing. Some days I feel great others not so much but since starting meds I'm doing better.

My best friend Autumn and I are starting a weight loss challenge for each other. Not really a challenge but more of a were going to support each other during the weight loss. :) I'm so thankful to have her in my life.

As for the babies they are doing well and have their 2 month check up on Monday.  Ill have to sit and write their birth story one of these days!!

a lot happens in 23 days!

Its been 23 days since I last posted here. A lot happens in that time...

I haven't always felt like I could write everything going on in my life on here.. that's because I wasn't sure who was reading who wasn't.. mostly I wasn't sure if my brother was reading and I didn't want to upset him with my feelings...

My brother one of the best men I knew fought cancer like a beast! for a long time I thought maybe hell beat all the odds maybe he can pull it out! but sadly that didn't happen. :/ April 26th will never be the same for our family.. While I was in the hospital he was put on hospice. I got this news just shortly after going to the hospital and knew at that point I wasn't going to be home if anything happened since I knew I wasn't allowed to travel home like planned anymore..

my dad brought him to visit me for 2 days. at the time I knew it would be the last time I would see him. my nurses weren't sure how I didn't go into labor but I held tough I knew he couldn't see me upset.it was a really hard visit for me. when I saw him in October even though he had had brain surgery he was still up and moving and talking like himself but when I saw him this time no amount of prepping could help me. he had changed so much.. he wasn't able to walk the length of my room he needed more help and its like he didn't know what to say anymore. I of course didn't hold that against him but it was very hard to see him like that. he wasn't the brother I remembered. as he and my dad said goodbye and walked out I lost it. im thankful I had a nurse with me since matt was helping take their stuff out. I knew in that moment it was the last time id see my brother. theres no way to describe that feeling of pain and anxiety. from that day until last Saturday I sat on pins and needles. id call daily and check on him and at the end id call about every 2 hours. its hard to be stuck 20 hours away from family and not be with them during that time. I watched everyone else get to say their goodbyes and spend time and hold his hand and give him a hug a kiss while I could say I loved him through a computer.. it wasn't the same.. and everyone just tells me stay calm. im super emotional no way that was going to happen.. So this weekend I had distraction we were moving and that helped but now I have nothing to do but wait for babies and yesterday was his viewing.. while im glad I saw the pictures and video of him it made it very real that he wasn't coming back.. he looked like himself.. like he did before he got really sick.. today as im writing this im waiting on a Skype call so I can "be there" for the funeral. Rest In Peace Bobby ill love you always ill think of you daily and I miss you more than words can describe

Sorry about all of that needed to get it out.. as for the twins they are doing great! im 33 weeks today.. that's 10 weeks more than I was when I went to Austin for labor at 23.. I go to the doctor again tomorrow for a growth scan.. :D we thought last night was the night but it ended up my cervix hasn't changed just having crazy contractions and pressure.. they did the ffn test.. if its negative it means no babies in the next 2 weeks at like 99 percent sure.. but at positive it means 50/50 chance for babies in the next two weeks.. well mine was positive. lets hope these babies want out... :D

Matt will be leaving VERY soon.. its depressing.. my life has become a series of events that well im hoping I can face and come out stronger. <3

sooo its been awhile..

So its been about 2 weeks since I wrote here..

Sorry for the wait.. lets see what has happened since then. I came home and have been on "bedrest" more like the first week I was then I got adventurous ;) we went and bought preemie clothing since we didn't have any and got matt some clothing since he hasn't bought clothes in a VERY LONG time.
We went to reds for the first time it was yummo! and then he took me to a movie!!! I had a girls night with casey and her sister at her house while matt and his friends had guys night.. ive had visits from jasmine and her family and lindsey and lizzy and for the most part ive stayed fairly couch/bed bound.. then last week we went to the doctor...

We have two growing girls! both are over 3 pounds and doing well. abby is breech again!!!! lol. I go again next week.. I believe at that point im going to ask the doctor to keep the pessary out since its becoming uncomfortable. he said since its still an experimental treatment they have no way to know for sure if that is what is really keeping me from labor. ill be 30 weeks on Wednesday!!!! that's a huge accomplishment from where we were 7 weeks ago! the doc said whatever I was doing was working.. so lets just say I haven't stayed in bed quite as much.. ;)

We will be going to the rental agency this week and giving notice on our place since matt will be leaving shortly for deployment.. hoping to stay at a friends until the babies are born and able to travel. at which point well be heading to families house and be able to save money and ill have help.

hoping these girls start going a little easier on me.. ive been sore as all get out and tired but since im so sore I cant sleep. its a fun time ;)

until the next time ;)

i got to go home

So Thursday lindsey came to visit had the ultrasounds and everything was looking good... my cervix is still the same and the babies are doing well. Madelyn was 2 pounds 9 oz.. Abigail was 2 pounds 4 oz and was no longer breech :) the doctor consulted with my doctor at the hospital and said if darnell agreed then I got to transfer back... my doctor old me Thursday that we should have an answer Friday morning..

Friday morning I got a phone call from my specialist at darnell who said I hear you are still pregnant I said yes I am. He said well that's a miracle. He said that I could go home on strict bedrest and would be seeing him on the 3rd of April and that if I needed anything before then I should come to labor and delivery.. he said that ill be seeing him every one to two weeks until I deliver.. I cried. I was so happy

So matt came and got me all packed up since I had a bunch of stuff at the hospital lol.. then we were on our way. So glad I had Mollie as my nurse that day I will really miss her..

The ride was long but that's mostly because I hadn't sat up for that long in a long time. So we got home and I relaxed while matt got everything unpacked and then we needed to get diapers and he had to sign back in from leave.. so I went along.. first he signed in I sat in the car.. then we went to Walmart.. he returned some things while I took the motorized wheelchair to get some diapers for Amelia.. then we decided to stop by Carolina ale house for dinner since I was feeling okay and such.. we were only there a short time but boy was it delishhhhhhhhh.... then we headed home..

Saturday matt had some friends over and we cooked out.. I sat on the couch lol. But the food and company was great.. :)

And yesterday we just relaxed all day.. family nap time all around.. lol..

Today matt went back to work.. I was quite worried about how it would go.. Amelia hasn't been listening to me but today she has done fairly well. We had lindsey and Lizzy over this morning. The girls got to play and we got to sit and talk.. and then Amelia let me take a cat nap while she played on her nabi.. currently shes napping and I'm just relaxing..

27 weeks wahoo!!!

so yesterday I just hung out. I swear I could have eaten a horse yesterday! I ate and ate and ate.. seriously couldn't stop eating. lol
and then I found a fun app kinda like Farmville but its now Farmville lol.. and then I went to bed. was uneventful but good

Today is 27 weeks!!!!!!  We are at the point where the babies have a very good survival rate! and matt and Amelia got up early and came to visit for the day! we had a family nap lol not all in the same bed but same room and Amelia snuggled me it was so nice! then we went outside and enjoyed the sunlight and then I got a baked potato from the potato bar ;) it was yum. I think anytime that they have that as an option and im down there that will be what I get..

Tomorrow I have Lindsey coming to visit and then an ultrasound at some point and the weekly pessary care. hoping for good news.. and then more talks with the doctor about going back to darnell.. she said she is on board as long as they can agree to certain things.. if not I will be asking the hard ? of when do I get to leave.. and can I get a different room so im not staring at the same 4 walls for much longer.. tomorrow is a month since I came here.

I think the thing I struggling with currently is that I know matt is leaving in a few weeks for deployment.. and here I am we aren't getting any time together as a family besides the days they visit but of course its not the same.. and what the hell are we going to do if he has to leave and I haven't had the girls and am still in the hospital or on bedrest.. we still need to pack the house up I need to pack a bag.. and holy smokes it kills. just so much to deal with. so fingers crossed and prayers please that we get what we really need and I go back to darnell or best case scenario home on strict bedrest.. <3